But I love to travel, I'm supposed to go down to
Florida... after this. And I might. I might go, I might
not. But I just love to fly, I love going in the
airport. Always feel safe... in the airport. Thanks to
the high caliber individuals we have working at x-ray
security. How about this crack squad of savvy motivated
personnel ? Feel pretty good with them at the helm.
The way you wanna setup your x-ray security is: you
want the short heavy set woman at the front with the
skin-tight uniform. That's your first line of defense.
You want those pants sprayed on. You want them so
tight... the flap in front of the zipper has pulled
itself open, you can see the metal tangs hanging on for
Then you got that other genius down at the other end,
looking in the TV screen. This Einstein has chosen to
stand in front of x-rays 14 hours a day. As his
profession. (imitates x-ray machine) vrrrr vrrrr
vrrrr... He's looking in the TV set. I always look in
the TV set, I cannot make out one object. I don't know
what this guy is doing. It's my own bags, I can't
understand one thing: "what was that ?". He's going
"what is that, a hairdryer with a scope on it ?... That
looks okay, keep it moving". "Some sort of bowling ball
candle ? That's fine, just... we don't want to hold up
the line, don't hold up the line".
When I go in the bathroom at the airport, now I don't
know who designs and makes these decisions, but why is
it that we're not allowed to have an actual "twisted-
on, twisted off" human-style faucet... in the bathroom
? Is it too risky for the general public to be in
charge... of the water flow ? They have to always put
in those one-handed spring-loaded pain-in-the-ass
Alcatraz-style faucets ? Do you know the ones I mean,
when you gotta go "Hey, I got a little water there ! Oh
oh, another couple drops !" What is it that they think
we would do... if we could have the faucet ? Just turn
them all on full, run out into the parking lot,
laughing, pushing each other into the bushes ?
"Come on, the water's on ! Let's go !!! I turned it on
full blast !"
"You idiot, we're business men, we're gonna miss our
"Who cares ? Water !!!"
That's what they think we'll do.
Do the people that work in these little shops in the
airport have any idea what the prices are every place
else in the world ?! What do they think, that they have
their little country out there ? "Tuna sandwich, 13
dollars, that's what we... tuna's very rare, here.
It's all a tiny world in the airport, isn't it ?
There's always that tiny table there, tiny computer,
everyone's in a little cramped seat, tiny food, tiny
utensils, tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny
sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucets. So it's "a small
problem", "gonna be a slight delay", "we're gonna be a
Then you get on the plane. The pilot's always got to
come on the P.A. system. Give you his whole thing of
what he's gonna do... "And here's how I'm gonna do
it... I'm gonna take it up to 20 000. Then I'm gonna
make a left by Chicago. Then I'm gonna go south by...".
And we're all back there going "yeah, fine... it's...
you know, just do whatever the hell you gotta do, I
don't know whatta hell is going on... just... end up
where it says on the ticket, okay ? Can you do that ?".
Do I bother him, telling him what I'm doing, knocking
on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah,
that's what we're doing back here. I'm not gonna have
them all now. I'm gonna have a few. I don't wanna
finish it because it's such a big bag !".
Then the stewardess has to come out, put on her little
show... with the emergency equipment, this whole
performance... that they go through. You know, one of
them is behind the curtain, reading the script, and the
other one comes out front and acts it out, you know.
(singing) "We have seat-belts, oxygen masks and things
for you to use...".
They show you how to use a seat-belt, in case you
haven't been in a car since 1965. "Oh we lift up on the
buckle, oh !!! I was trying to just break the metal
apart ! I thought that's how it works. I was going to
attempt to tear the fabric part of the belt. I thought
if I could just get it started...".
Then she's gotta close that first class curtain, you
know. Before it takes off, and they always give you
that little look too "maybe if you'd worked a little
harder... I wouldn't have to do this" (imitates curtain
being closed) vshhhhh.
I'll tell you what place I like in the plane, it's that
little bathroom. I go in there, even if I don't have to
go. I like it in there, that's like your own little
apartment on the plane. You go in there, you close the
door, the light comes on after a second, it's always
like a little surprise party. I feel good in there. I
feel like I look good in that mirror, too. Is it me, am
I crazy ? I think that's a flattering mirror, in the
airplane bathroom. I don't know, it's something with
the lighting or something...
And they have so much equipment in that little place,
virtually everything that you would have in a normal
bathroom is in that teeny weenie tiny bathroom.
Including some things that nobody has. Like the slot
for used razor blades. Have you seen this ? I have seen
this in every single airplane bathroom I have ever
been. Who is shaving on the plane ?... first of all,
and secondly, shaving so much that they're using up
razor blades, I mean... I just don't know why they had
to install that. "Make sure that every bathroom... has
a place, because they're gonna be doing a lot of
shaving. (laughs) I mean, is the Wolfman flying in
there or who'd... ? On the full moon, just goes
(imitates Wolfman) "aaarrrrr... click click click
Newsweek | 21 Jun 2018